I thought I would share the thoughts that I wrote down in my journal today.
He who conceals his sins does not prosper,
but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
We are all walking wounded. Some of us project it onto everyone else around us expecting them to be responsible for healing our wounds. Some of us withhold ourselves from others in an effort to never be wounded again. And some of us are those rare beautifully, wounded people who expose their wounds and allow others to see not only the wound but the Great Healer at work in them.
I yearn to be that person who humbly confesses my wounds and deals with them. Who authentically allows others to see my scars, weaknesses, infirmities and festuring sores without regard to self. With regard alone for my Father and for love of others.
I think my intention is right but my flesh is weak. I find myself responding to situations with little ability to express this deeper motive. Often I find that my own selfishness betrays my true heart and my love cannot be seen. When I deal in relationship with another I see that so many times what I thought was love is not and true love often contains tremendous sacrifice and pain.
I'm reminded of how Jesus was completely exposed on the cross. Of how his most loving act was his greatest pain. What am I to gain from this knowledge? That I too will pain stakingly sacrifice and be exposed? If I am to truly live for him this is my lot, if not here, in the next life I will be exposed.
For Jesus his exposure was that of the fulfillment of prophesy, of great hope and truth. For me as I carry my own cross the exposure is that of great sin and shame. The truth still remains in this and all things, I do not carry that cross alone. I do not labor to rid myself of that terrible sin and shame. I do not turn the other cheek of my own strength. All of these are only done through him that lives in me.
I prayed today that the Father would help me to see accurately. My selfishness and pride prevent me from really seeing. I asked that God would remove the fog and help me to see in clarity as far as he wills me to see. If I am in the way I prayed he would break down that selfishness and replace it with a heart that is completely surrendered to him.
I don't know what this life is suppose to look like. I often find that I have these moments of almost being able to see and grasp just a bit of the enormity of my hidden life in the Lord. Then in an instant I am back in the flesh battling again to get a glimpse. Praise be that I do not have to struggle and fight alone, the way is already paved and bought. I simply must choose to follow it no matter how hard and narrow.