God has been speaking to me a lot lately and some of the things he is saying have me a little concerned! I realized that I have left my heart unguarded and have become an easy target for the enemy. I have fallen into my old ways.
I have always been a little nervous about illness. I just don't naturally react calm and peaceful. I tend to anxious and worry. Since the loss of my sister and daughter to illness I have become even more anxious and fretful. Over the past couple of years God has really been convicting me that this is an area of sin for me. That if I do not take every thought captive and work on protecting my mind and heart I too easily fall into my old worrisome ways.
I confess I am trying to hold on to the power over my family and loved ones health. This is not for me to covet and hold tight to. When I worry I am saying that I don't have faith that God can carry us through anything and that I don't trust him with our health. Now I would really like to pull out my past experiences to defend myself. But, the simple truth is I need to let go of what ties me to this world and what causes me to sin and simply trust.
We all have areas in our life that we hold tight to and have a hard time surrendering, this is mine. What's yours? Have you asked God to reveal it to you? Are you ready? I certainly wasn't ready to deal with this issue. But, God in his infinite mercy has been so faithful and loving to me in this situation. He has never left my side and continues to comfort me, calm me and open my eyes to his presence.
The most ironic thing to me about all of this is that even after losing my sister Gea and daughter Olivia to severe illness's I still worried. You would think that after watching my sister and daughter battle severe illness's that the common cold or stomach flu wouldn't get me all flustered! I have found that what binds me and takes me captive is so irrational. My heart is deceitful above all and does not communicate well with my head. Often our worries, our sins, our struggles have no rational basis, but, our heart and emotions are not always easily spoken to by our intellect.
I am so embarrassed by my sin, but, I know I'm not alone. I also know that the more I pray, ask for prayer and commit all of my ways to God the closer I am to triumphing over this sin. Some days are still bad. I worry or allow my mind to wonder into dangerous territory, but, as I grow in my trust of God those days are fewer and fewer. I want to encourage you to go out on a limb and trust God with what you are holding onto. I once heard a speaker address how to confront and bring down your fears by taking that fear to the worst case scenario. I do not like this method as I have done it and it really offers no comfort. What has worked for me is to lean not on my own understanding, but, to acknowledge God and ask Him to make my paths straight. He has been so very gentle and kind with me through this and I trust he will be for you to.