"Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and in women of God; in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings?" Oswald Chambers
I read this in Oswald Chambers book, My Utmost for His Highest this morning. Each day as I read a few paragraphs in this book I find that my preconceived ideas of who and what a christian is are shattered and I am left asking myself profound questions that alter my entire view on life. This morning rather unexpectedly I had the question posed to me through this book, are you devoted to the blessing or the one who blesses? Ouch, the answer to that question was quiet heart breaking when I really looked closely at my heart.
Lately it has become increasingly obvious that I am so much more full of self than I even realize. Questions like these point to a prideful condition of my heart. In attempting to honor God with my life I realize that I often am praying for and striving for the blessing that I will receive. When I am praying over my husband and how I am to be a wife so often I find I am asking the Lord to bless me with a fix. Please Lord fix my attitude, please Lord help my husband to do this or that, please Lord help me. I know He wants my heart and for me to give Him everything and rely on Him, but I can't help but sense I am missing the right attitude here. I just want to fix the problem. Perhaps the problem that needs the most fixing is my attitude. Instead of bless me, give to me, fix me maybe my attitude should be one of wanting the Lord's will to be done.
What if I prayed that God would help me to know His will more? What if I asked for Him to give me what He wanted in each relationship and situation? How would my expectations and relationships change? With my husband what if I didn't ask for a fix but for the wisdom and will of God to happen through me? Instead of expecting the children to be perfect models of divine character what if I asked God to help them be who he designed them to be and I simply acted in consistency to His word. Would I feel frustrated when they don't meet my expectation? Maybe not. They are not mine, they are His. My job is not to require them to reach my expectations but His. If I acted in obedience to what I know about God's word and then lifted up prayers over them for His will maybe the selfish reactions of my heart would be fewer.
For today I want to really look for God not the blessing. When my marriage is good I know I am blessed. When the children are walking in line with God's will I am blessed. So should my efforts be to only seek after that blessing or to simply obey and serve God and then the blessings will come? It is not the blessing I live for but God. If I only seek after the blessing I will be crushed in times of trial, which are to be many in my home given the number of sinning souls here! What a refreshing thought that if I am not striving for the blessing but striving to know, follow and be close to my Saviour I will be filled less with self and more with Him. Self and world do not have lasting satisfaction. But He satisfies to fully and completely in His timing.